The Train Lady

I couldn't think of anything game dev to talk about this week, so instead here is a story from about 2 years ago when I got on a train just after the first lockdown.

I got on a train. So did a crazy woman. This is that story.

Preston - Lancaster

The train pulls in about 18 minutes before it is due to leave. I step on after another guy, and the conductor. Some of the seats are covered in tape stating Do Not Use. Some are seating other humans.

The nearest available seats are at a table, which is nice because I can’t remember the last time I actually got to sit down when getting on a train at Preston.

I sit down in one of them, assuming that at some point on the journey that someone is likely to sit opposite. I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

The next available seats are at the table in front of the one I am sat in. An older woman sits down, and is followed by another older woman who is speaking. I assumed they were friends and that they would sit at the table together.

I was wrong.

One of the women puts her bags on my table, and then sits in the seat diagonally opposite me. Then instead of remaining in that seat, she shuffles over to the window seat so she is now directly opposite.

She also isn’t wearing a mask.

“Covid, eh?” Train Lady says, looking directly at me.

I have no idea what she means by this.

“Yeah,” I reply, implying I know exactly what she means.

“I nearly missed this train, you know? I was stood over there and I asked them for help, but they wouldn’t help me.”

She doesn’t even point in a direction to show me where over there was, and just assumes that I know where over there is.

I glance down at my watch. The train isn’t due to leave for another 12 minutes, so unless she’s won the Olympic Gold for slowest 100m sprint, I don’t understand how she nearly missed it.

I then glance back up at her, but decide against telling her there is absolutely no way she would have missed this train, because she’s been in my life for less than 5 minutes and I would like to pretend these past 5 minutes did not happen. Sadly it’s at least 20 minutes to Lancaster, and this woman very easily fits the description of someone who comes from Barrow.

Behind me I can hear someone say “But I’m not sick!” which is exactly the sort of thing somebody would say if they were sick. Another woman is arguing with the conductor for some reason.

The conductor lets her on, so the entire carriage is now clearly contaminated, and the woman is about to sit on a seat covered in the Do Not Use tape.

“YOU CAN’T SIT THERE!”

I close my eyes as I deduce where these words have from.

Train Lady is also a Banshee.

“IT SAYS ‘DO NOT USE’!”

The other woman sheepishly returns to the conductor to get him to point her towards a seat that is available.

The train finally leaves the station, and Train Lady opens up one of her bags.

“Got to get my ticket ready,” she says.

I am avoiding eye contact at all costs, switching between looking out of the window and down at the black mirror of my iPod.

She puts her ticket on the table. I look at it to find out how long I will have to witness her wrath, and then it makes sense.

In all my travels, I’ve never met a sane person who has got on or off a train at Grange. And I still haven’t.

An announcement comes on, asking passengers to be vigilant.

“See it, say it, sorted,” Train Lady says at the same time as the announcement.

I’m tempted to text the hotline because I’ve been witnessing some really suspicious activity.

Lancaster - Carnforth

I notice that Train Lady is wearing a lanyard that states she is Mask Exempt, which might be true for medical conditions, but for societal reasons she absolutely needs one.

The train doors are open, and some passengers are joining us. One of them makes the mistake of not seeing the Do Not Use tape.

“DO NOT USE! YOU CAN’T SIT THERE!”

I wish I’d brought my own tape to stick opposite me, but she’d probably claim she’s exempt from taped up seats too.

She then gets out her phone to make a call.

“Hello? Sue? I’m sorry I couldn’t come last night.”

I bet Sue was delighted last night.

A little while later, Train Lady is rummaging through her bag and gets out some chewing gum. She takes out a piece for herself and then moves her hand towards me.

“Want some?” she asks.

“No thank you,” I decline.

“Oh, yeah. Because of Covid,” she nods understandingly.

She does not understand.

Even if it weren’t for Covid, I would not take chewing gum from a stranger. And especially not from a stranger who has demonstrated without a shadow of a doubt that they are an absolute nutcase.

“The offer still stands, though,” she adds.

I’d rather it didn’t.

Carnforth - Silverdale

The conductor still hasn’t been round. Train Lady does not like this.

“Where’s the conductor?” she asks the couple opposite.

“Don’t know,” the man replies, and his partner nudges him to indicate not to engage any further. His partner is wise.

She puts her ticket away, assuming that the conductor won’t be coming purely off the basis of another stranger not being able to tell her where they are.

The announcement asking for people to be vigilant comes on again.

“See it, say it, sorted,” she says.

Then she gets a jumper out and says she needs to get ready to get off.

It’s a bit early for Grange, but I’m not going to complain if she gets off at Silverdale.

Her jumper is now on, and she stands up just as the announcement for the next station is played.

“We will shortly be arriving at Silverdale,” the announcement says.

“Silverdale, yes, I know,” Train Lady seems annoyed.

But if she knows, then that means she actually intends to get off.

The doors open, and she is about to step out of the train.

“HANG ON! THIS IS SILVERDALE!”

A few moments later she is sat opposite me again.

Silverdale - Arnside

Train Lady takes off her jumper, even though she’s going to have to put it on again in a few moments.

I notice that there is some writing on the jacket that she is wearing (yes, she put a jumper on top of her jacket in the middle of summer). It says Track and Field.

The only possible Track and Field she has done in her life is the 1983 arcade game, which reminds me of the last time I met a crazy woman on a train. Although Sharon wasn’t really crazy, and was going through a mid-life crisis.

We’d spent the day in the attic of a building in Northern Quarter making a game. Gnome Patrol was about protecting your garden using gnomes.

Alan Titchmarsh’s face was plastered all over the title screen, because Alan Titchmarsh is a famous gardener. Alan Titchmarsh also hates video games, so we hoped that someday he would see what we had made and be disgusted.

On the last train back, a couple in their mid-forties sat opposite us, and the woman – Sharon – initially explained how she had kids our age, before descending into a darker tale of how her marriage was falling apart and tonight was a chance for her and her husband – Tony – to reconnect. We weren’t sure if it worked because then she started crying, and then we had to get off, but that was the longest 5 minutes I had spent on a train.

“I don’t get on trains much,” Train Lady is looking at me again.

I hope so, because God help whoever she sits opposite.

“Well, I did. But not so much now, because of Covid.”

Granted, it’s the in-thing right now, but she’s pretty obsessed with blaming things on Covid. She then strokes her lanyard, but stops short of telling me she only has that because of Covid. 

Arnside - Grange

Train Lady puts on her jumper again, then walks back to the door. The announcement to say we are approaching the next station hasn’t happened yet, but I am glad she appears to be gone, although she didn’t even say goodbye.

The guy on the table opposite stands up, getting ready to leave.

“Hang on,” his partner says, prompting him to look around, once again displaying she is the wise once in their relationship.

“Is she still there?” he asks. “We’ll get the other door.”

The two of them proceed to head down the other end of the carriage. They clearly want to forget the past 40 minutes of their lives too.

Train Lady gets off the train and the doors close behind her.

Before we leave, I see a cyclist on the platform taking pictures of the train.

There is nothing special about this train, except that it’s the first Northern train I’ve seen that looks like it was made after the 1980s.

Like I said, not a sane person at Grange train station.